Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up.
Once you start to dislike someone. Everything they do begins to annoy you.
If you love somebody, set them free. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.
That "F*CK YOU, YOU MOTHER F*CKING PIECE OF SH*T, WHO F*CKING PUT THAT THERE ANYWAY!" moment when you stub you toe...
I think washing machines are some what similar to Aztec Gods. Every now and again they demand a sacrifice in the form of a single sock...
I don't understand this. When my friends come over to my house and they're like "Hey, do you have a bathroom?"
And I think to myself, "Of course we don't, we sh*t outside..."
If you think it is necessary to judge me by my past, then don't get angry when I decide to leave your sorry A$$ there...
What I used to love in school were all the rumours. I could hear gossip about myself doing something before I even got round to doing it...
It was my favourite game when I was younger, but i could never understand one thing about it...
Ok Mario, so you can smash through bricks with your head, but you died as soon as you touched a turtle.... WTF!?
**** I hate when this happens *****
When your snuggled up in bed, you grab the covers to pull them up and BAM!
Your hands slip and you end up punching yourself in the face...
**** Nerd's Phone Rings In Class ****
Jock: Who was that? Was it your girlfriend complaining about what a loser she is with?
Nerd: No actually, It was yours...
Whole Class: Ohhhhh sh*t!
I do what I want, where I want, when I want, with who I want, for as long as I want, where ever I want.......
But as long as my mommy says it's OK first...
When you're in class and you purposely break the tip of your pencil just so you can walk past your friend, to get to the bin and for those few moments while you're not doing any work, you feel more superior...
My wife felt smug the other day after she told me that my p*nis resembles a tic-tac. I soon wiped the smile off of her face when I asked, "If that's the case, then why does your sister still have bad breath?"
I like to lean back on the two back legs of my chair to see how long I can balance for, it's game over though when you have that mini heart attack from hell and you have to frantically grab on to something...
When a girl keeps going back to a guy who treats her bad, it's not because she's dumb, it's because she's not ready to give up hope, Hope that maybe someday he'll change
Ever notice that in The Wizard of Oz, The Scarecrow, The Tinman, The Lion, and The Wizard were all men;~~~ no brains, no heart, no courage and a liar?
I Don't Mind When Our Conversations Get A Little Boring Or When We're Texting & We Run Out Of Things To Say . I Don't Care When We're Hanging Out & We're Doing Absolutely Nothing , Because Just Having You Is Enough To Make Me Happy
I like the fact that I am able to honestly say "I know the difference between their, there, they’re, then, than, effect and affect!!!"
Learn English people!
When someone likes your status that you shared about a week ago and you think to yourself..
“That b*tch must be stalking me…”
Today I’m giving you something very special, my heart ..... please be careful how you handle it , not because it’s mine , but because Your inside it
To all the single girls out there asking where the decent guys are : We're here......... In the friend zone........ Right where you left us...
Summer in England is kind of like the ultimate one-night stand:
**********************************************************************
hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Why do people say "grow some balls"? Balls are weak and vulnerable, if you want to toughen up- grow a v*gina, those things can take a pounding
Mr Krabs: ...that makes you look like a girl...
Spongebob: Am I a pretty girl?
Mr Krabs: Well. Yes, you're... you're beautiful
*** Awkward moment when mail man walks past ****
You don't realise how blessed you were until you are truly down and out........
.......Only then can you see how good you had it before...
I like to think that I am a dreamer. But for some reason, my boss at work keeps yelling, "If you fall asleep at work one more time, you're fired!"
Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength, I may just beat the living crap out of someone...
We must hurt, in order to grow.
We must fail, on order to know.
We must loose in order to gain.
Why?
Because some lessons in life are best learned through pain...
I hate when on MTV Cribs kids say "...and this is my 103 inch plasma TV." Im like, "No, that's your parents 103 inch plasma TV. All you did was fall out of the right v*gina...